Trick! No Treat!

Piles of perfect pretty boxes, holding hoards of gleaming gifts, beneath clumps of shiny wrapping paper, amongst loads of fattening food, eaten by long-lost witty relatives, beside off-key choral enthusiasts. Oh, and Jesus’ birth, of course! This, dear friend, is Christmas in all its, perhaps unintended, glory. It can hardly be compared to insincere construction paper V-cards stuffed into animal-shaped boxes (although that was fun, huh?) and eerie cemetery visits on Memorial Day, or is it Veterans’ Day? Christmas holds first place simply 'cuz it's Christmas, just as my Minnesota residence and job proximity to the Metrodome ensure my status as a Viking fan.

But Halloween. Yep. That’s where it’s at. I love Halloween! It’s the only day it’s acceptable to be someone you hate, just for the opportunity to imitate annoying habits. Well, I guess you could do that whenever you want. (Think of Jim dressed as Dwight).

Halloween--what a weird, twisted tradition. Who figured out that it’s easier to scrape a pumpkin than a watermelon? And who’s Jack? (I get the lantern part). Probably whoever convinced society that one day of the year should be solely devoted to harassing one’s neighbors. When I open the door to a stranger in outrageous apparel, shouldn’t I be concerned that his pillowcase is laced with chloroform and will be used to suffocate me at my own front door? Can I just start tear-gassing all the little chilluns? We always think the blonde cheerleader is stupid for opening her door and asking “Is anyone there?” just before she gets her limbs chopped off, but then we fling open our doors to all sorts of crazies. We must give candy at no charge or hide inside with the lights off so we aren't considered a-holes. “Quick! Close the blinds, I see another Tinker Bell and we’re out of Dots!” “How about toiletries or clothing? Nope. You want candy?” What would you do if I asked for the trick instead? When Halloween began was it “Give me some sugar or I’ll go grab the rotten eggs from my trunk”? Or a child shouts “Trick or Treat!” while his dad hides behind the oak tree flossing his teeth with a butcher knife. You never know…so you better just hand over the Skittles.

Oh fellow women! We fight for our equal rights and wonder why men picture us in fairy wings and a thong. Nowadays, All Hallows Eve is for confidently being a hooker and for guys to look at hookers. I went to buy a mask last week and all I could find was lingerie! Although, I do enjoy that one can wear underwear over his clothes and it’s perfectly kosher. Hehe.
We’re afraid of death, so we mock it; and we don’t understand the opposite sex so we dress up to confront our gender curiosities. Perhaps you’ll drink so much that you think you're a man, or, in fact, Tinkerbell. “Sure, you’re a Grim Reaper. What ever you say.” Tomorrow morning you feel like a poop stick. What’s a poop stick?
Wait until next year and I might be one for Halloween.

And what’s the deal with lime green masks that have hot pink horns, yellow fuzzy hair, and pencils protruding from the skull? If it doesn’t look realistic, it’s not that scary. It just makes people confused and certain you are, indeed, masked. How about a Scott Stapp mask? Now that’s scary! (Why didn’t I see anyone dressed as Michael Jackson this year? Where’s the love?)

Personally, my favorite part of Halloween is getting the chance to scope out the neighbors’ houses. I love when all the lights are on at night and I get interior design ideas from the rich couples. Wouldn’t Trick or Treating be a great way to plan a break-in? If you don’t get a good look, you still get some chocolate. Win-win for making the effort.

Ooo. I lied. Haunted Houses are my fave. I love being intentionally scared, which makes no sense whatsoever. “Do you have a hobby?” “Oh yes! Being chased around a corn maze by a chain saw!”

Yep. Uh-huh. Halloween is messed up. It’s justifiable considered Satanic alongside Christmas. But really, we just want to play house and dress up like the good ol' days. Have so much candy we get sick, threaten the old skeezer next door, try some foreign substances, and see which neighbor is a stingy miser. Oh, and have an excuse to wear our bloomers in public! Woo-hoo! Of course, it’ll start snowing the day of, so you better just dress as a gorilla.