A Bogus Big Bang Beginning-Part One

Dear reader,
In my attempts to combat opposition to the Gospel, I have again used writing to release my frustration. The following is a mockumentary of sorts, and is not to be taken seriously. Normally, I would demand that readers of the Bible consider all context surrounding a verse, but in this case, I suggest that you only trust the verses as truth. The rest is my sarcastic attempt to mock mockery of the Bible. A little confusing I know...May you always remember to "Seek justice, encourage the oppressed" (Isaiah 1:17), and "Be confident...that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). [I have chosen not to capitalize "he" or "god" as this is not about the actual Lord of my life.]

"In the beginning...the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep" (Genesis 1:11).
God was god, he was what he was, and if you asked him, he would say,"I am that I am" (Exodus 3:14). "I Am" lived up above this formless mass, for to live on or below it would indicate that he was of inferior rank to another great being. While "up above," he grew tired of guessing how many fingers He was holding up in the dark. (He, of course, has fingers if we are truly "in his own image"-Genesis 1:27). After completing the first two lines of the lord's-unappreciated-prayer, he hovered lost in writer's block and an overwhelming sense of loneliness. In one glorious moment of extreme supernatural genius, a light bulb popped out of the blackness to mark the air above his forehead, where a great scheme was beginning to take shape.
Without carefully considering the consequences to his plan, god spontaneously acted on impulse and broke the light bulb with his iron fist, and used a borrowed lightning bolt from Zeus to spread that light out like creamy butter over the surrounding void. Since he was the great "I Am," and thee Alpha and Omega, god knew that he must use a powerful authoritive deep voice in proclaiming his first bit of creation. Thus, he spoke, "'Let there be light,' and there was light" (Genesis 1:3).
To be continued...